Welcome to the 2nd edition of Torture Theater. In this issue we tackle the 1978 musical Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band, starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees.
Backstory:In 1967, The Beatles released the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band and it became the greatest album of all-time. 10 years later, The Beatles had broken up but the album was still pretty popular and pretty cool. So some nutcase decided to make a movie based on the song with Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees filling in for The Beatles with other bands doing Beatle covers and an All-American setting. The only problem was...none of the band could do an American accent. So they just covered that up by having all singing(ala Tommy) and a narration by George Burns(you know that kind old man from the Christmas specials?). Yeah...this isn't good.
Notes:
0:01-I really wish the German soldiers would just shoot Sgt. Pepper's and his lonely heart's club band NOW.
20 seconds later-A golden eagle? For being an idiot by playing instruments during a major battle?
0:02-Screw FDR, Sgt. Pepper is the one who solved the depression.
0:04-So he survived 2 wars but playing the trumpet is his cause of death?
0:06-Dear god, its the Bee Gees
0:07-...AND Peter Frampton? This just keeps getting worse
0:10-NO NO NO! STOP IT GEORGE BURNS!
0:12-No, its not getting better. Its getting worse...
20 seconds later-Oh thank god
5-10 seconds later-Dammit
0:13-Oh it does get worse, trust me
0:14-"We love Money". Well I guess you shouldn't have made this movie.
0:15-I hate Peter Frampton's signing voice, the Bee Gees just don't work when doing a rock song. They're a disco group for a reason.
0:16-I'm just curious as to who names their kid "Strawberry"
0:19-That was probably their reaction when they saw this movie.
0:20-Yeah, that line doesn't sound gay at all(I know its a song, but they really picked the wrong person to say it).
0:22-Yeah, hit on the biker chick while her boyfriend is there. That makes perfect sense.
20 seconds later-"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band" acts like a bunch of 12 year old boys who've just seen a boob for the first time.
0:25-I don't think calling a girl "heavy" is a compliment.
0:29-I get it, Hollywood causes lust, sin, and betrayal to lifelong girlfriends. Can we just end this?
20 seconds later-Thank you
0:32-Does The Beatles like not exist in this world?
0:35-What is so wrong with having a fling with Lucy and her Diamonds?
0:37-It's time to go? Good, thank god its over...
0:39-Colonel Mustard lives a very lonely life...and I thought this movie was over?
20 seconds ater-Yes, steaing instruments is the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band's only weakness.
0:41-So by losing the original band's instruments, the town turned to lust and sin?
0:43-Apparently in Colonel Mustard's Heartland, privacy doesn't exist.
0:45-Oh no, our daughter is gone...let's sing!
0:46-What's the big deal with Billy Shears' girlfriend leaving that Colonel Mustard's robots have to warn him?
0:48-At least it's not Shatner's cover.
0:50-Wait, so you mean to tell me that Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band woud randomly do a concert on a billboard in front of nobody except Billy Shears' girlfriend with Lucy and Her Diamonds?
0:53-How the hell did Colonel Mustard know where she went?
0:54-I swear I'm watching a Christmas special.
20 seconds later-Is Colonel Mustard really that stupid to leave the keys in the van?
0:55-Steve Martin sings like a cross of Tigger and Keith Moon.
0:59-Nice to see our heroes getting beaten up by dancing nurses.
1:00-Yeah Colonel Mustard IS that stupid
20 seconds later-Seriously Alice?
1:01-I can tell the creaters of this movie hate joy.
1:02-The Sun King has some strange taste if the roundness of the world turns him on.
1:04-I love how out of all the singers in this movie, Alice Cooper is the one who doesn't sing...yet George Burns does.
1:05-10,000 volts kills you, love cannot save you from death when you're already dead.
20 seconds later-Why is Strawberry Fields singing about...Strawberry Fields? How can she go to herself?
1:08-Bob is an idiot.
1:09-I still question how exactly does stealing instruments give Colonel Mustard the town?
1:15-They sure love money.
1:17-What? They couldn't come up with yet another Beatles reference so they just had Earth, Wind, and Fire use their real name?
1:20-Ok, apparently the vehicle makes everyone stupid. Seriously, is the band that dumb to leave the keys in there for Colonel Mustard to steal back?
1:22-Lightning bolts are supposed to kill you, not give you clothes for flying.
1:23-Strawberry Fields singing with Colonel Mustard is just weird...and how the hell did the band find them?
1:26-So Aerosmith is the enemy?
1:27-I like the Future Villains Band better than the Sgt. Pepper's one.
1:29-Our heroes, a bunch of rude murderers.
1:32-Theres some pun here about "carrying that weight" and carrying a casket.
1:36-This cover isn't actually too bad.
1:37-Then they follow up with yet another butchered classic.
1:39-I love how upbeat this part is when you consider the prior events.
1:41-Um, if thats a statue of Sgt. Pepper's then why is he black?
1:42-How did Colonel Mustard avoid jail?
10 seconds later-I guess him being the pope makes up for everything.
20 seconds later-The only way to save the evil villains is by transforming them into Priests, Nuns, and the Pope?
1:43-I love how he sings the lyric "Get back Loretta" when her name is Strawberry(yeah I know).
1:44-Um...what?
10 seconds later-Don't be sorry, I'm glad its time to go. Just don't lie about it this time.
1:46-It better be "THE END".
Final Thoughts:In all actuality, this is BETTER than I remember. But that doesn't make it a good movie. Its remarkable the music talent here, you have Aerosmith, Frampton, Bee Gees(Saturday Night Fever is my inspiration for dancing), Billy Preston, Alice Cooper, and Earth, Wind, and Fire...yet it just doesn't click. This movie tries to be like Tommy but it ultimately fails at that, which is just very ironic because most of the singers in Tommy consisted of Ann-Margaret, Oliver Reed, and Jack Nicholson. This movie was so bad that I cringed when during the previews of Across the Universe I cringed fearing a repeat of this. I saw Across the Universe though, and I liked it A LOT.
Overall, the premise is ok, I don't like the story, but I like the idea of Beatles songs being used for a story. It wasn't great this time, but it worked later.
Final Rating:4/5-Torgo award nominee
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